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Essence of Infidelity
by Susan Sheppard
And if that is true, why is it that everyone who gets married expects adherence to the same standards as far as fidelity is concerned?
The expectation seems to be that everyone gets married for passionate, romantic love and fidelity is the highest value of marriage.
I don’t presume to have all the answers, but possibly some suggestions as to the seeds of infidelity. Let’s start with a couple who declare that they are in love and want to commit to each other.
They are starry eyed and the state of “in love” creates a certain blindness and denial especially when this person seems to be almost perfectly aligned with the important values you have designated to be essential in the person you are going to marry.
So this person lies to you about something or breaks a promise to you, or does something that totally violates your ethics, but you love him/her and he/she is so perfect otherwise.
It’s just a small thing and you can certainly tolerate a little thing like that. After all, you are getting married and that means you can work it out. Love conquers all.
Here is the problem.
Love doesn’t solve anything. People come to agreement or negotiate boundaries and decide to be together because they want to be together.
They choose marriage. I think the rules of marriage and the boundaries that each couple wants to live by must be negotiated.
Obviously each and every scenario cannot be discussed ahead of time, but the individual standards of each partner in each marriage must be decided prior to the vows.
When a woman/man settles (that includes compromises, tolerates, sells out) on a value that is significant to her/him, the bond is compromised. It makes it okay to do it again, whatever “it” is.
According to the Man/Woman Strategy that I subscribe to, women have the power in relationship and their job is to provide appetite, which challenges the man who loves her to produce results.
The man who wants to please his woman will produce those results as long as she believes in him and respects him as the producer.
The other component in this neat little package is the sex. Men will do anything for sex. Women love sex as much as men do; it’s just not socially acceptable for them to say so.
Men get their pleasure from a woman’s pleasure and “most women lie to men about their satisfaction” which leads to the giant gap in the presumption that marriage presumes passionate, romantic love and fidelity are the highest values.
Women on the whole are not able to maintain the level of energy and self esteem necessary to always validate for a man what sexually satisfies her. Thus the communication regarding sex gets distorted. Men, unless someone instructs them, can not be expected to know what areas of