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Date Lying 
by Margaret Paul

 

A reader of my articles wrote to me about the article I wrote entitled, “Why do People Lie?”

He said that he would be “very interested in a similar article with examples about all the lying that women do….At least in the initial stages of dating, women lie sooooo much.”

Well, being a woman, I’m not as aware of how much women lie on dates as I am of how much men lie on dates. So I decided to write about date lying in general.

The man who wrote to me was upset about lies such as “I have to go,” or “I’m busy,” or “I’m on another call right now. I’ll call you back.”

He states that “I think that much of this is women’s very misguided attempt to ‘spare someone’s feelings.’ Reject them, without actually rejecting them.”

I think this is accurate.

Women have been trained to not hurt men’s feelings.

They have been taught that if the truth will hurt, then tell a “white lie.” And, when they do tell the truth, it is often in a harsh or critical way.

I’ve often counseled women, who don’t want to date a particular man, to say things like, “I don’t feel romantic toward you,” or “There doesn’t seem to be chemistry between us,” or “I’m not feeling a connection with you.”

One of my clients told a man who called her for a first date, “Your energy does not feel respectful toward me. I’m not drawn to meet you because of this.”

He was open to what she was saying and they ended up having a good conversation.

He was appreciative of her truth, and she ended up going out with him.

Since men are usually the ones doing the calling, they are not as often put in the position of say no.

My experience is that men often lie too, but in different ways.

For example, a client of mine, a psychotherapist, dated a man who told her he was in therapy.

She was pleased to hear this, as personal growth was very important to her.

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