So often I hear, I want a boyfriend, I’m married but I’m not happy. Really ready relationship?
I just got divorced & I don’t want to make the same mistake again.
When will I find someone?
It occurred to me recently that in order to be in a relationship that works, it’s necessary to be ready to enter one.
I know that sounds really simple, but if we look at our national divorce rate, you can see that it is not simple.
In fact, I seriously doubt that many people consider their readiness for marriage or relationship of any sort.
I think the average scenario goes something like this. He is attracted to how she looks.
She is attracted to his energy and productivity. They start dating & eventually she thinks it might be a good idea to get married.
He goes along because he is sure it’s going to get him regular sex & then all their friends and relatives get excited about their wedding.
They have a big celebration & then they start to realize there is more to marriage than living together.
Please forgive me for the offensive simplification of this scenario. It is merely an illustration.
My awareness heightened when I began working with clients who were in a state of chaos.
They were in various stages of post relationship survival. Their finances were in a shambles. They weren't really ready relationship.
Some were broken hearted, with no self-esteem, out of work, wondering what to do about their rent & utilities payments and seeking coaching about their relationships.
Many, I think, were planning on having a new relationship rescue him/her from impending disaster.
I started to think about parameters for readiness in relationship, for being really ready relationship
What specific standards and status should be the baseline?
What exactly constitutes readiness?
What is definite is that nothing is definite. So where do we start?
First is desire. The desire to be part of something is manifested in relationship.
You can’t be “in” relationship unless you want to be.
Partnership demands a serious time commitment, one on one conversations, planning, dating, socializing, compromising, making love, having sex, playing, working, sleeping, having children & raising them, shopping, cleaning house.
Granted, some of these things you would do even if you were not in relationship.
However, once you are seriously committed, as in living together, every one of the above -mentioned tasks involves agreement and participation by both partners.
Even prior to living together, finding someone you are willing to try being in relationship with is practically a full time job.
So many of the people that I talk with in my work, tell me, I just don’t have the energy to go through the process of dating & getting to know someone well enough to feel comfortable being authentic and intimate.
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