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Robin was giving me an anatomy of her divorce. “There were signs,” she said. “Plenty of them. I just ignored them.”
“The counselor told me to ignore how he treated other people,” said Manuela, “and concentrate on how he treated me. But one day I became ‘other people.’”
It’s typical to do this in the early stages of dating and falling in love because, first of all it’s an exciting and complex process getting to know someone, and secondly, there are all those wonderful dreamy chemicals bathing our brains.
It’s also a time when we’re prone to be “optimistic,” to assume everything’s going to be marvelous. Nobody starts a new relationship hoping it will be a disaster.
We invest a lot of time and energy into it, and we can begin to see what we want to see, not what’s really going on. This, by the way, is one of the catch points about Emotional Intelligence, and about learned optimism.
It’s recommended in many daily situations, particularly performance situations (like giving a speech or pitching an account), but it is never recommended in situations of great consequence.
At those times, we need to take off the rose-colored glasses. Dating is surely one of those times. While you’re enjoying the chemical bath coming from the brain-stem and limbic brains, stay in touch with your neocortex – the thinking brain – and process just exactly what it is you’re seeing and experiencing.
Working with a coach, BTW, can help you with clarity.
“No hay causalities,” say the Spanish. Roughly translated it means, “nothing happens by accident” or “there are no coincidences.”
Each of these things happened early on in someone’s dating career and were ignored:
· We were sitting at the kitchen table at his folks’ house and heard a mousetrap go off.
Edward sprang to his feet, ran over to the trap, freed the mouse and then beat it to death with a fly swatter. Somehow I didn’t think that related to anything else but the mouse, though it made me sick at the time
· Stanton was a good doctor. He had taken a contract and was working from home and made plenty of money and that blinded me.
Turns out he’d had a couple of partnerships that had failed because he was so demanding and impossible to work with.
Boy did I find out about that later. It’s very strange for a doctor to work out of his home. Somehow that never registered on me.
· Leo was always very relaxed with me, but whenever a waiter came around, or he talked about someone from his past, he was so critical, it was like he was examining them with a magnifying glass.
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