I asked Dave how he was doing since it was the anniversary of his wife’s death.
He replied, “It’s rough, but what is even worse, is women won’t leave me alone! I don’t want to hurt their feelings but they phone me too so I can’t even have peace in my own home.”
Dave is encountering desperate women who are 55 or older and feel they must have a man in their lives to be complete.
Their obvious need is what drives the men away, the opposite of their intent.
You react to people based on how you perceive them. These perceptions are influenced by your perceptual styles: Audio, Visual, Feeler, and Wholistic.
Further, when you are desperate, this clouds your perceptions because you see what you want to see. “I just know I’m perfect for him” or “I know he’s interested in me.” You lose your objectivity.
Desperation makes you reactive causing your hot button to be easily pushed. Your hot button stimulates an emotion out-of-control, which is fueled by fears.
When people of the Audio perception are reactive, there is an undercurrent of anger waiting to vent. Maintaining personal control is important for them.
“Get out of my way, he’s mine!” There are basic fears for each perceptual style. For Audios, they are:
·Afraid of life being out of control (“With you in my life, I can be back in control again.”)
·Afraid of losing face and not being respected (yet, by being pushy or fighting with perceived competition, this is exactly what you are doing).
Afraid of not being loveable (You speak you mind and may talk with a confrontational tone. For some men, this might too forward.
They might like you but don’t find you lovable). Remedy for Audios: Lighten up and be sensitive to his feelings. Be willing to let him pursue you rather than you badgering him.
If he doesn’t call or ask you out, maybe, as authors Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo say in their bestseller book: “he’s just not that into you.”
If you relax and realize if it’s meant to be, it will happen, that you can’t make it happen, you will be more in balance with all four of the perceptions. Your softer side will emerge.
When Feelers are reactive, they become indignant, feel sorry for themselves. Feelers are caring and will do thoughtful things but they are also setting up unspoken expectations fueled by their fears:
·Afraid of not being appreciated (“You didn’t say thank you” – an expectation placed on him even though he didn’t ask you to do it.)