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He Didn't Lie to You, You Just Weren't Paying Attention
by Susan Dunn
How many times has this happened to you in a relationship?
After it blows up, and you’re sitting there with your broken heart trying to figure out what went wrong, it pops right into your head -- he said he would never get married, he said he wasn’t ready, he said he was too afraid of getting hurt… He told you these things, perhaps more than once, and you didn’t hear it.
If this is a pattern for you, you need to break it, so let’s take a look at this from the Emotional Intelligence standpoint.
First of all, many times when I use the term “emotional intelligence” to men who aren’t familiar with it, they laugh and say there’s no such thing, or that it’s an oxymoron, i.e., the two can never go together. I’ve never heard this from a woman! Make him fall deeply in love with this
Right there is a key point. Men are not as easy with emotions.
They tend to confuse pure sexual attraction with “love.” When they’re ‘on point’ as I call it (you know, like a bird dog who’s found the treasure), he isn’t thinking.
He’s likely to be what’scalled “flooded.” Chemicals and hormones are rushing around that preclude thinking. If you’re in the same state, who’s listening?
So prepare yourself for the dating scene.
Know who you are and what you want. If a man comes along who gives you a real zing, stop and think.
Take a look at who he is, and how he’s living his life at this time.
Find out what you can about his history and do it early on.
One thing you can count on, in the early days of romance men are much freer about what they will tell you.
The love chemicals kind of grease the brain and they say lots of lovely things, but also will “blurt out” very informative things – things you need to hear, and to keep in mind.
After her 13-month relationship with Tony broke up, my client Alison told me that early on, when they were off on a lovely vacation, Tony had told her something she should’ve paid attention to.
They were dancing at a beach bar in Cancun (Mexican honeymoon), the sun was shining, there was laughter and music and margaritas all over the place, and a lot of beautiful woman (besides Alison), and he had laughed and said, “One woman would never be enough for me.”
It took Alison 13 months to live this out and find it was true. When she was ready for a commitment, she got nothing but stalling.
Eventually she caught him dating another woman, and at that point she couldn’t ignore reality any more. He had said one woman would never be enough for him, and yes, he had meant it.
There are times when we all say things we don’t mean. In fact it comes up early in dating when we start to feel like getting serious and maybe are having a little case of the nerves.
Datingat midlife, we don’t get to approach a clean slate like we do inour 20s. We step into the current of someone else’s life andthere’s what we call “baggage.”
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