Learning how to establish a healthy sexual relationship. As soon as Chelsea walked in, she plopped down on the couch and announced, “I am so frustrated.”
“Hello Chelsea,” I said.
Ignoring my greeting altogether, she continued, “No really, Coach, I am.”
A few months earlier, Chelsea, a successful, attractive and very fit thirty-something lawyer, had been involved in a serious quest for a good, long-term relationship.
She was in my office explaining how hard it had been to find a man of similar goals and values given her busy lifestyle.
I had encouraged her to try dating internet online. I pointed out that it would be an effective method of connecting with a large number of men that fit her criteria, in the shortest amount of time, with minimal effort.
“Chelsea, please explain,” I replied, taking to her cue to skip the formalities and get right to the point.
“I really did it," she continued, "I changed my pattern, followed your steps, went online and approached my search with a new set of guidelines. I can tell you, it worked! I found the right guy.”
Well, Ben is a wonderful man. He’s everything I could have hoped for. We have fun together and can agree on just about everything. He’s already my best friend. I even waited this time and didn’t rush into sex.”
She hesitated. I waited for her to continue.
”That’s where the problem comes up, Coach. I don’t know what to do. Like I said, I’m frustrated...the sex is not so good. It’s terrible because everything else about our relationship is perfect. I can truly see us building a happy life together.”
Then, after a pensive pause, “I’m thinking maybe I should just fake it. The sex should get better, right? Isn’t it ok to fake it for now?” Chelsea is one of countless women who resort to “faking it” to fool their partners into believing they enjoy lovemaking when they actually do not.
Why do so many women feel they have to pretend to enjoy sex instead of actually being able to enjoy it?
Some women simply don’t have orgasms and they feel insecure about it. This is usually the result of growing up with a feeling of shame and guilt about sexuality. From a very young age, girls are sent pretty clear messages that discourage them from expressing and/or fully exploring this aspect of themselves.
Consequently, many women have to learn that it is good to get in touch with their bodies on an intimate level and learn how to be turned on. Only then can true sexual enjoyment be experienced.