by Caroline Tee
I see everywhere people writing ''Respect yourself and he will respect you''
But what does that even mean?
It is too much of a "fast food" answer for me.
It is an answer with no substance, with no real "nutritional facts".
One thing is for sure: respect is not something you get by force.
If you do, it is only temporary.
You will always feel inside a lingering anxiety that this respect will fall off one day.
You get respect from you man as well with no need to be aggressive or dramatic.
You will get more out of him when you ask in cool calm firm, kind and collected demeanor.
1.Is he even able to provide respect at all?
How these types of guys think, you need to watch for his level of selfishness.
Is he able to be considerate of the emotions and needs of others?
How do you know that?
Look at how far he can make a sacrifice from his own need of entertainment.
Some men like to go watch games, play video games, or another hobby.
Watch if he can to let go easily a moment desired for fun to go help instead his dad, his mom or a friend.
Is he able to stop working for a while to play with the kids.
I had a boyfriend who had told me once ''I do as I say. I deserve it. I do what I feel I want to do'' in a tone as if I were suffocating him and being unreasonable with my demands
The worst of this is I believed him.
He was an inconsiderate boyfriend, made me feel that I wasn't good enough on almost everything that I did.
I finally and thankfully left the relationship feeling exhausted, unnecessary shameful and with a depleted self-esteem.
Today, 30 years later, he is alone, unable to find a woman that sticks.
He is still on that wave of ''What I want to do is what matters only''.
Well good luck to him! Because he will need it. He still hasn't learned.
Look how he deals with delayed gratification.
You will see it on how he shops.
Does he have heavy debt?
Is he getting angry or annoyed easily when you refuse or delay something fluvial he demands now?
Is everything urgent most of the times?
If your husband or boyfriend has a high level of egomaniac traits, this has nothing to do with your ability or fault to get respect.
He is just handicaped in that field. It will be very hard to get the respect that you are seeking for.
2. It has nothing to do with you......or maybe it does
Instead of nagging, demanding, crying which is a turn off for man, share with him your perspective on the situation.
Tell him unapologetically how you see a relationship that makes you happy.
Do not say how ''he'' can make you happy but really how ''a'' relationship makes you happy.
He is more likely to listen to you then to be on the defensive. You could be left with a feeling that you have not be heard.
So set boudaries
Men respect women who have standards. This is how you get a guy to chase you.
At times, yes, it will require courage from you.
If you don’t, it will be on you if you are not getting a satisfying relationship from him.
Think about that.
Say what you mean and mean what you say.
Inform him on what is acceptable to you and what is not.
If he loves you and is mature enough, he will pay attention to your need.
After all, all men are dreaming to be Prince Charming to their Princess.
What to do if he doesn't respect the boundaries that have been communicated?
Like a kid, there must be a ''consequence'' (mean what you say).
Keep a slight distance until you remind again that this is unacceptable to you.
The distance could be that you are less energetic in that moment, more silenced.
And if he asks ''what is wrong?'', do tell him that you are dealing with how you feel right now, that you will let him know when you will have figured it out.
Don't blackmail or threaten him of anything.
It could backfire on you.
Just let him know that you are just trying to figure it out and you will let him know later or some other time how you feel.
Later or on another day, DO tell him though.
Do communicate how it made you feel, and you don`t want that to happen again.
It could also be that you decide to end the conversation short and tell him that you will talk again when he will be in a better mood.
And let him communicate back to you again.
Men understand ACTION better then WORDS.
DO ACT.
Have courage. It will be fine.
If you he is your living boyfriend or husband, the same is applicable.
He misbehaves?
You call a friend, you go out, you go on another room to read of watch a nice Netflix show, after you've told him that this behaviour is unacceptable and you will speak again when he will be calmer and in a better mood.
You physically LEAVE his sight.
It works.
I have advised this to one of my friend who a hard time being respected by her long distance relationship dude.
When he was demanding, stubborn and plain disrespectful, she followed my advice; she removed herself from his sight.
On vacation, she was going at the other end of the beach alone.
At the house, she was going in her room closed the door and texted with friends to be entertained.
She was ending the conversation short when he was annoyed with her.
It worked so well that at some point, she went for a walk in the neighbourhood for no apparent reason and he went looking for thinking that maybe he had done something wrong and wanted to correct it.
They are still together today and she is happier now with him.
3. Speak with ''I'' instead of ''You''
There is a skillful way to communicate to you man how to please you.
Speak with ''I''.
I am giving you below two examples of asks:
''You''
''You never call me when you said you would. You don’t care enough about me. You don't keep your promises. What kind of a person are you? You are not reliable; you are not guy I expect in my dreams. Do you have even the desire the be with me? Are you even a man?''
Your feelings above are valid; you are frustrated and angry and demand consideration and that your emotional needs to be met.
''I''
‘’I was expecting a call me when you had said you would. I feel you don’t care about me like I would have liked it you would. I am wondering if I should invest more in this. I am looking for reliability in my ideal relationship with someone. Let me know how you feel about you and me. It is okay if you are not ready to invest as much as me. We won’t be bad friends anyways. I prefer that both of us end up happy’’
Which of the two methods have a better chance to have a mature connected conversation with your guy?
Exactly.
The ''I'' conversation
It doesn`t mean that you will get him to commit right away or get the answer that you desire from him.
However, there will be no drama and chances are he will see how you handle yourself under a stressful situation and he might start to see you as a potential life partner.
Life can be hard at times. We can make selfish mistake now and then.
We need a partner that can keep its cool if these times arises.
If he still has issues giving you what you want, well, it is time to tell him ''it was nice knowing you'' and go on your pursuit of happiness.
If he is deeply selfish, it is about much deeper issues that are beyond your means.
You will need to make a deep thinking if it is worth it to continue to invest in that relationship or not.
And if you do decide to continue, I promise you, it will be a long hard rocky road.
With the risk of not getting the relationship that you want.
The tragedy is not to end up single because you have made the right decision for yourself.
The tragedy that you are risking is that he makes that decision for you at an age where you have no more the health and/or the energy to pursue happiness.
Make him fall deeply in love with this
Other related articles that you can read on:
How do you know when a Man is in Love
Commitment-Phobic Men And How To Recognize And Avoid Them!
Boyfriend test - is he a keeper?