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Changing Your Partner
by Rinatta Paries
All relationships are never perfect, and rarely do perfect partners who come together. At some point in every relationship, partners want to change something about each other.
The are three schools of thought on changing each other's behavior and an option to each. You will find the choices much useful, easier to apply and effective.
School of Thought I:
You may never change another person, nor may you request change. Seeking change in another is escaping changing yourself. Your partner is displaying you something you don't like in yourself. The change is necessary to happen within you. You must attempt to become such that the other's behavior no longer affects you.
Examine yourself before. If you still feel to make a request, do it.
You'll have the opportunity to practice the important skills of asking for what you want and negotiating.
Be aware - making an effective request is definitely a skill.
School of Thought II:
Demand change from the other because if he/she loved you enough surely there would be change.
He/she is bad and unreasonable in the first place for doing something that upsets you.
The partner is wrong again for not changing without you having to say anything. He/she is very wrong for balking at the shift of attitude once you demand it.
People do what they do and say what they say not because of you but because of how they connect to others.
It means if your partner is doing something to upset you, he/she is not doing it to you; he/she is just doing it.
Also, people cannot read your mind. If you do not communicate properly when something is bothering you, you cannot anticipate change. When you demand, you are not likely to get what you want immediately. And your partner has the right to decline.
To initiate change, make your requests clear, gently and as soon as you become aware of the need. Your requests are more likely to be given what you want. However, if they are not granted, you cannot ask for change.
School of Thought III:
Create change at any cost and any way you can. Don't hold back any weapons in your arsenal; manipulation, nagging, begging, threatening are allowed. Don't ever give up because, after all, the change is good for your partner.
When you request a change from your husband/wife to further growth and development, it is often very good for him/her. However, any sneaky attempt will meet some resistance and anger. You will not get what you want. In fact, things may get worse.
Your recommended choice is to ask clearly and openly, with love, for what you want. If the change is something your partner wants for himself or herself, offer support in doing it. Do this for as long as it takes.. If the answer is no, accept it. You can choose to deal with the consequences, even if the consequence leads to the end of the relationship.
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